motherhood journal: becoming a mother

Two months ago, I become a mother, and my husband became a father. We are now officially parents. I have been thinking a lot about this new role I have taken on in my life, to be honest, I am still trying to wrap my head around the idea.  From the moment I found out I was pregnant, I felt very protective of my body. I had the task of growing a freakin’ human LIFE. For the first time EVER in my life, I was actually trying to put my needs first, something I’ve never done. Something I had to learn to do though, was listen to my body. Waaaay easier said than done. That is something I am always preaching to people, yet struggle with myself. I tend to push myself to my limits in order to 1) get everything done on my to-do list, 2) please everyone, 3) prove to the world that “I can do everything.” I had SUCH a hard time with this. It really wasn’t until the last few weeks of my third trimester that I finally give in and realize I have to chill. Once I did that though, I felt a sense of peace and calm, and I found myself learning to love down time, and not feel the need to go go go. What was I trying to prove by being so busy? It’s funny-once I slowed myself down, I suddenly got way more accomplished. It was like the opposite effect. Just because I was so busy and moving from the time I woke up until the time I went to bed definitely did not equal getting tons of things done. Slowing down and prioritizing what is important in my life has allowed me to actually start this blog (finally), graduate from my Health Coach training program, find the time to work out everyday, (yes, even with a newborn!) and cook homemade meals for myself, and be really present and invested in my new role as a mother. It’s funny how it took becoming a mother to realize this.

My reasoning for explaining all of that is because if it weren’t for my baby, I think I would still be stuck in the same place I was. This little baby of mine has already taught me such immense lessons in my life already. Learning to slow down has allowed me to step back, and almost reinvent my life, I feel like I stepped into a new world and I don’t want to go back to my old world. Having a baby is a constant reminder to cherish and take in every single moment, because babies grow SO fast. I am still learning to grasp the concept that I am a mother to this sweet babe of mine, and that she will look up to me for everything, and learn from me, mimic me, my husband and I will be her safe haven (until she’s 16 and we aren’t cool anymore), and the fact that I am that person for someone is massively huge and somewhat overwhelming. I sometimes worry, will I be able to protect her? Or give her what she wants in life? I have definitely had some breakdowns thinking about how much I love her and this immense desire to keep her safe, loved, and happy. The one thing that I know I can give her right now is every ounce of my love, to show her that she is loved so much by her dad and I, to know that she is safe and sound in our arms, and that we will always be there for her every need.

Amelia has shown me what my body is capable of, and has shown me that taking care of myself allow me to be my best self for her. I know that my health allowed me to heal up pretty fast from giving birth. I know that my health has allowed her to be healthy up to this point because I am breastfeeding her. I want to continue to let her guide me in being present in my life, learning to love myself more and more, and to take care of myself, so I can be the best example for her, and therefore guide her through her life. I still am not sure the depth to which it means to be a mother, but this whole journey is just at it’s very beginning, and it’s already so exciting.

Babies, are pure magic.

xEm

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